I’ve been feeling reflective for the last week or so. No, not the kind of reflective that makes you all shiny and highly visible so you won’t get hit by a car while you’re out doing questionable things in the dark. The kind where you look back on the past several years and realize how many significant events you’ve experienced in that time. I was going to say “endured,” but that implies they were all bad and they certainly were not. But neither were they all good.
When I say they were significant, I mean they were significantly distracting or required significant amounts of time and energy from me. Many of them I haven’t talked about over here, or anywhere else, because, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, I am a very private person. There are things I’m just never going to talk about in public spaces. Or even in semi-private ones.
But holy guacamole, it’s been one hell of a few years. Sometimes to the point where I wanted to yell, “STOP IT. I CAN’T EVEN THINK ANYMORE WITH ALL THIS. JUST. FUCKING. STOP.” It all has taken a toll, that’s for sure.
And now, suddenly, there’s nothing significant on the horizon. Not that there won’t be, because of course there will. Life happens. “It’s never nothing,” as my dad used to say. But there’s nothing scheduled or looming and I’m feeling gloriously free for the first time in a very long time. And determined.
I don’t make resolutions at the New Year, never have. So it’s sort of a weird coincidence that I’m feeling all resolute here in early January.
I was talking to my daughter about this when she and her husband were here visiting during the last week of December and it was difficult to articulate without sounding like I didn’t enjoy the hell out of many of those events. Because I did. Especially my children’s weddings, which were wonderful. But at the same time, I’m glad they’re done.
I’m delighted beyond words that my calendar is clear. The sheer relief of having no upcoming obligations is staggering.
I really hope I’m not jinxing myself by saying this, but I feel like I’ve done my time. For a while, anyway. I’ve given so much of myself to others — sometimes eagerly and with great joy and pleasure, sometimes not — but now it’s my turn.
I anticipate– no, I am determined that this year is going to be epically, gleefully selfish. I am resolved to focusing on what I want, and what I want is to write fiction. I’m going to concentrate on that pretty much to the exclusion of all else.
So don’t anyone plan on having any dramas or crises or grand celebrations, okay? At least, not any that require my participation or attention. I’m gonna be busy over here, learning how to say “no” more often and taking care of my own needs for a change.
Who knows, maybe a few of you will conclude that’s of benefit to you as well. It’s a new year, anything’s possible.
Oh, by the way, if any of you want to be notified when I’ve completed said works of fiction and they’re available for purchase, you might want to sign up for my mailing list, which you can do HERE.
6 responses to “To a Year of Living Selfishly”
Being selfish can be a blessed thing, especially for a giver like you! I completely support you in this my friend, and I feel exactly the same way… ❤
Thanks, Lilac, we’ll see how long this lasts. I’m not really known for my ability to say “no” to people, but I hope to get at least a few months of concentration on writing.
I understand exactly how you feel, K.D. Good for you deciding to take the year for yourself. Yay for concentrating on writing!
I’m trying, Robin. In truth, I’ll be grateful if I can achieve a better balance. Life’s been pretty lopsided for me the last few years– you know how that goes. Very happy to see YOU writing again!
You go, woman!
And if you figure out a way to say No, please bottle it and send me a dose or two. If I could learn that one little word, I can’t imagine how much time I’d make available to work on my own stuff. But it’s an elusive two letters. Good luck with that. Here, let’s practice…
Hey, can I borrow twenty bucks to blow on lottery tickets?
Hey, sure, John, anything for a friend! No problem. Here, have forty and you can buy some tickets for me while you’re at it. We’ll split the fortune. Hang on, let me just put the bills through the paper shredder first. I hear that doubles the odds of winning.
Seriously, I hope both of us can carve out more time for writing in the coming year. It’s a worthy investment, especially when writing talent like yours is involved.