Is it just me, or has customer service become somewhat depraved? The point of customer service should be to serve the customer, give them what they want. Right? Where did they get the idea that what I want is to be waited on by the human equivalent of a black lab puppy?
I went to the bank’s drive-thru teller today to deposit my paycheck. This is what happened. Names have been changed to protect my federally insured deposits. Other than that, I am not making this up.
“Hi! Welcome to Happy Friendly Bank! Thanks for waiting!”
There was no one in front of me when I drove up, but I’m not going to argue with someone who is clearly in the throes of manic cheerfulness. I place my deposit in the slide-out tray.
“How are you today?!” I swear her tail was wagging.
“I’m fine, how are you?” Hey, I can be nice.
“I’m terrific!” She retrieves my deposit. “Thank you, Ms. CB! Making a deposit today, are we?” She is the embodiment of effusive joy. She’s practically wriggling with it. “And withdrawing just a little cash today, Ms. CB?”
What the hell am I supposed to say to that? That it seemed like enough to me? I filled out the deposit slip, I figured that was enough instruction. But I smiled and said, “That’s right.”
She reads the company name on the check and says, “Oh! Does XYZ Company really sell XYZ? I’ve always wanted one of those!”
I’m speechless. My smile has already frozen in place, so I just nod. This woman is so impossibly perky she’s making Quincy the Wonder Dog look lethargic by comparison.
“Ms. CB, I’m happy to say everything here looks just fine!”
What? It’s a damn paycheck. I’m overdue for a raise, but why wouldn’t it be fine?
“And how would you like your cash today, Ms. CB?”
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. And it was almost impossible to resist. But I didn’t say it. Not one word. And there were so many that sprang to mind.
“Twenties is fine.”
“Great! Twenties it is, Ms. CB!” Is she panting? “I’ll just put your driver’s license in the envelope with the cash!”
I’m still smiling, I think. Does she keep this up all day or does she curl up on the rug until the next customer arrives?
“Is there anything else I can do for you today, Ms. CB?!”
Oh god, this woman has no idea the peril she has just placed herself in. But my smile is now a rictus and no words emerge. I manage to shake my head in the negative.
“Thank you for banking with Happy Friendly Bank, Ms. CB! Have a wonderful day, as always! See you again soon, Ms. CB!”
The hell she will. I’m signing up for direct deposit.
It’s either that or bring a rawhide chew with me next time.